Journal

I declare from here on out that I will never again take advantage of the all-you-can-eat BBQ rib night.

Why do I do this to myself?

After gorging on smoked meat, I waddled to the grocery store and bought yogurt, fruit, veggies, nuts, quinoa, whole grain wheat bread and lean turkey for the week. I am purging.

No fructose corn syrup, no extra sugars, no trans fat.

If I do this right, I may not feel the need to overeat again.

“I’m with you. No matter what else you have in your head I’m with you and I love you.”

– Ernest Hemingway, from The Garden Of Eden

I am not a runner. Most of my experiences have been short bursts of pure speed but no real endurance. I’ve attempted to change this as I’ve gotten older these past few years but never stuck with it.

The problem has been my lungs and my knees. After a lot of wear and tear on my knees from high school football, the impact on my feet from running is a horrible experience.

I’ve reduced a lot of impact and injury thanks to good shoes and running on trails instead of pavement.

Still not sure how to break the 5-mile endurance barrier. At my best I’ve managed maybe 2.5 miles non-stop.

Am I in a mid life crisis?

I wanted a wife to love and build a family.

What is wrong?

Why so much doubt?

Who I am and who I wanted to be doesn’t jive with the person I’ve become

This isn’t a mid life crisis if I have had these questions and doubts for a long time now

uncertainty and ambivalent

What is it about me that is so contradicting to everyone else including myself?

How many people have I walked away from and not kept up with because of my fear of opening myself up to them?

Why don’t I care?

I am a husband and a father, where is my responsibility to them?

Why am I so alone and why do I keep fighting everything?

is it because I don’t accept situations that I think other people are wrong for accepting them? Why can I not accept them? What makes me right when I have been so wrong?

I made up and follow my own rules. It is easier to break or change them if they are mine. No accountability that way.

The first half of my life will not define the rest of it. My hesitation has been damaging to those around me and I accept responsibility for it

I got what I wanted but it was too much for me so I lost everything.

Maybe I did run away or maybe not. Maybe I left to find answers. Once I find the answers, can I go home?

Where is home?

What is holding me back from achieving what I want to do? I’m not talking about excuses but legitimate reasons. If I am honest with myself I won’t need excuses anyway. Jim Kuukral has organized 13 reasons why we are not successful. I’ve turned it into a countdown. I won’t go into detail which ones apply to me. All I can say is that more than a few are very damning and I don’t like it. So, being forced to realize these reasons are accurate, I cannot ignore them and will work toward correcting them.

In the movie, The Empire Strikes Back, a young apprentice seeks the wisdom of a master. When given a task seemed impossible, Luke comments:

Luke: I’ll try.

Yoda: No try. Do or do not. There is no try.

Luke: I don’t believe it.

Yoda: That is why you fail.

The reasons why we are not successful:

13. Don’t believe

12. Don’t want it

11. Think small

10. Social B.S.

9. Waste time

8. “X” factor. I need “X”or I don’t have “X”.

7. “They”

6. No goals

5. Stop thinking

4. Negativity

3. Fear

2. Entitlement

1. Laziness

I was recently reading an article about a hospice nurse that wrote down conversations with her dying patients and some of the things they wished they had done or would have chosen to do differently. Here are the top five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I’ve read another book on life, choices and responsibilities. That we cannot blame others for the choices we make.

Notice how I am not talking about regret, but simply a desire to make a course correction and learn from the past.

One of the more memorable quotes of a very forgettable Star Trek movie:

Damn it, Bones, you’re a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They’re the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don’t want my pain taken away! I need my pain!

There are some choices and decisions that I would change, sure. I wish I didn’t have to experience some of the resulting trials as a result. I wish my family didn’t have to endure them with me.

But it is those situations that help me learn and grow to become a better person.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

40 minute workout every other day.

Warm up = 5m, 3 circuits for a total of 30m. 1 circuit = 10 minutes. Each circuit will be a mixture of exercises. Cool down = 5m.

A minimum of 30m cardio training every other day. Running or cycling.

I even want to work in some yoga and stretching.

Nutrition:

Lean meats like chicken, turkey and fish with one splurge a week of red meat. Whataburger anyone?

Veggies. Need to stay away from white potatoes though.

My brain is constantly seeking input. I enjoy taking tech news and hacks to implement it into my life. It isn’t a fear of missing out (FOMO) that seems to be the case with most people.

In order to prove that to myself, I look for chances to expand my brain and learn.

The problem is maintaining that focus. I’ll blame the distractions but it probably isn’t true.  If I come across something that stumps me, I’ll set it aside and eventually get back to it. By then, I am starting from scratch again.

For now, I have signed up for a self-help track on web design fundamentals using the Code Academy website. All web-based, this and other courses allow someone to learn step by step and can see the results on the same page. Brilliant.

Moving on. If you know me then you know I read. A lot. I’m thinking that most of what I read is for entertainment purposes and not educational. Do I need both? Can I have both?

As a Linux user, I have scratched the surface of using the operating system. I want to get down to the kernel of it and challenge myself to learn the command line instead of relying on a graphical user interface.

I will work it out enough to host my websites and email server.

Turning off the online streaming video would help too.

Ok, go.

How can someone who works on weekends, including Sundays ever hope to maintain a relationship with God?

There has been a real lack of a relationship and fellowship with other Christians for a long time now.

This coming from a guy who used to study for a degree in Theology and ministry.

Yes, I can read my Bible daily (haven’t), pray frequently (not) but still miss out on opportunities to worship.

So, my first challenge will be to discipline myself to do just the basics to get my relationship right with God. I left, not Him.

The WonderWife came up with a suggestion so obvious and right up my alley that I missed it.

I’ve been appreciating Lifechurch, a multi-site organization that has a huge digital offering as well. With their worship sessions online and their unbeatable YouVersion Bible app this is a no-brainer for me.

So, I am gathering these resources and implementing them tonight for daily use.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13

Can I really tackle four life changing tasks at once? I suppose that is why they are challenges.

My challenges will be focused on mental, physical, spiritual and social disciplines.

I’ve squandered opportunities and have become complacent. No more.

I will do what it takes to better myself and those around me even if it kills me (it won’t).

There will be daily posts of updates, setbacks and scenarios overcoming those daily challenges. I am not committing to facing all four each day (not yet). Categories will be added and catalogued that way for better organization.

By way of pumping myself up, I am adding a promo video from this year’s Tough Mudder events. Also, that will be a challenge and a goal in itself. I’ve already done 2 different adventure races and now I need to prepare for this one. Whew. Here goes.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUwXTfWxCTM?rel=0]